Jealousy. But thank God for forgivness.

I grew up under the shadow of my best friend. We were not equal. She was THE girl. Popular, beautiful, funny, and I lived by her side. She wasn't snobby or mean, and growing up with her since age 8, I didn't need anyone else in my life but her. When we were young, we were just little girls who played make-believe in the back yard or in the bedroom. We modeled our mom's closet, baked cookies, and lived the most carefree childhood imaginable. And even when we grew up, and she had other friends beside mine, and I was ok with that. Because I knew she would always be there for me. And it wasn't until late high school that I ever doubted that.
Then my grandma died.
She had been suffering of lung and bone cancer for a long time. My family and I cried and wept as we celebrated her return to Heaven. However, my friend wasn't always there for me when I needed her. And that's when I realized our differences. I love this girl with my heart. I always will. We have a long history of mission trips, and conferences, and ski trips, and birthdays and movies. And she will always be my friend.
My point is to let yall know that I suffer from a massive sin of jealousy. This girl had everything, and continues to have everything that I most desire. And some days, I can even sit and think how much better my life would be if I were her. My family gets by you could say. My dad is a pastor. My mom is a teacher. They have given me clothes, a car, way too many books, and basically everything in my room is from them. They also are paying out of state tuition (aside from some scholarships) for me to attend Auburn. The one school my heart desired to go to. The only school out of five to accept me. I am jealous of her standard of living. I am jealous.
THANK GOODNESS FOR FORGIVENESS. God has blessed me, and yet all I can see is the wants I don't have. I am so thankful for Him. Yes, most people have nicer things than my family. We still have the same tv from when my parents got engaged. But, God has blessed my family with so many things. Cars for free, repairs for free, furniture for free, even computers for free. So many things that can cause worry or fear, God has taken care of. Why do I need to be jealous of someone who has flaws herself? Why do I need to desire to be someone else when I am created, molded, and fashioned into a Woman of GOD!!
This has been a lot of rambling. But God knows my heart. I am so sinful, always wanting the next best thing. So He forgives me. He knows how much of a child I really am. He knows everything about me, and loves me still. So, I will end this post by saying how much I love Him for forgiving me of my jealousy.

I found this.
And all I can think about is how true this dramatic picture is. Too many girls and women feel compelled to look a certain way. We feel like the goal we are supposed to have is to be skinny, and polished. Yet, to me, the picture on the left look normal and almost romantic. I want to tell the world, tell the female population that this is legit. And that the lady on the right doesnt look happy at all.

Excuse me, but I seemed to have lost summer.

How in the world did summer fly this quickly? I would love to know because I still would like to relax, and be lazy at the pool. Or really...I think I'm just dreading the fact that I'm going to have to work really hard this semester. But I also have this strong desire to improve my friendships, and be open to all the new freshmen that will enter my life. I want to be a wonderful friend to every single person I meet.
I also want Jesus. Yes. I have Him already. But I want more. I've been having this mini goals pop in my head over the summer of how to make my next year better than last year. And the one thing that keeps coming up is Jesus. Reading his word. Loving on His children. Volunteering my time somewhere, whether or not people notice me.

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in Heaven".

This verse has always humbled me. How many times to I do a service and think "I hope... saw that because then they will see how kind I am." SERIOUSLY?
When did compassion become jealousy. or hatred. I want my compassion and kindness and love for the depressed, the hated, and the lonely to be one that is full of pure love. And that will only happen with Christ.

I am not going to rush summer. With one month left until band camp, it's pretty easy to. God has blessed me with a great summer. It's not time to rush back to school.